1) I will try to figure out why I really need five e-mail addresses. 2) I will play more computer games. Scientists say they’re good for me and improve my visual skills. 3) I resolve to stop poisoning my family with my cooking. 4) I will not eat medicine just because it looks like candy. 5) I will consider taking up a new hobby such as procrastination. Or maybe later. 6) I will read fewer books. Learning is a dangerous thing. Too much of it can really damage your head. 7) I resolve not to swim in any swimming pool without water. 8) I resolve not to send a text to someone sitting in the next room…or the same room. 9) I promise to try taking a selfie that looks like a picture of an actual person. 10) I will stop checking my Facebook feed every five minutes, especially when I have to do English homework. 11) I don’t have a New Year’s resolution. You don’t need them when you’re perfect. 12) Every time I type a smiley face I will actually laugh-out-loud. 13) I will avoid taking baths often in order to conserve water. 14) I will use my bike for something else than hanging my jacket. 15) My New Year’s resolution is to make better bad decisions. 16) I will read more (or at least turn the subtitles on while binge-watching TV). 17) I will stop daring people to lick frozen flagpoles. 18) I will actually put on a full outfit for Zoom calls (although let’s be real, business-on-top-PJs-below never hurt anyone). 19) When meeting with friends, I will stop telling the same jokes. Or make new friends. 20) I will stop saying “Mmmm, how nice” during the inspection at the airport. It seems that this is only provoking them. 21) I resolve to be just a little bit nicer to people who do exactly what I want. 22) My New Year’s resolution is to help all my friends gain ten pounds so I look skinnier. 23) My New Year’s resolution is to be more optimistic by keeping my cup half-full with either rum, vodka, or whiskey

Funny New Year resolutions

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